My local cafe calls cronuts by another name. Should I correct them?

Q: My cafe sells delicious cronuts, but advertises them as “cro-donuts”. Should I correct them? I’ve been thinking about this for seven years. M.M., Preston, Vic

A: The cronut (croissant-doughnut) is one of those fusion-type pastries that have become very popular, along with the crookie (croissant-cookie), the duffin (doughnut-muffin) and the lame-o-nutbag (a lamington-churro-doughnut-baguette. Actually, I just made that up, but I think it could take off. Investor inquiries welcome!)

So if the owner of your cafe is calling it a “cro-donut”, they may not understand the concept of portmanteaus – combination words (or combords) – which would explain why the cafe may also be listing frap-cappuccinos (frappuccinos) and frog-yoghurt (frogurt) on their break-lunch (brunch) menu. Or maybe the owner does know the correct name for a cronut, but got sick of explaining it to customers – or they were threatened with legal action by lawyers from Cronut Global Pastry Industries, who issued a “cease and delish” order.

Either way, I totally get how confusing-signage (confignage) can cause mental anguish. There’s a glass-and-mirror shop near my house with a sign that says: our glass is warrantied against breakage forever, then, in tiny print underneath, “Conditions apply” – and I’ve lost many a night’s sleep wondering, “What conditions? Like if you dropped a marshmallow on it?”

Seven years is too long to suffer. Go to your cafe and order a “cronut” and if the staff say, “Oh, you mean a cro-donut,” say, “No, cronut! It’s a portmanteau-pastry – a portmastry – so please correct your confignage immediately.” And if masked gunmen abseil through the ceiling and drag you away, that’s because Cronut Global Pastry Industries have been doing cafe-surveillance. Cafurveillance.

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