My sincere apologies, but I’m one of those idiots who can’t park a car

Q: If I park next to someone who’s parked badly and I also need to leave my car a bit crooked, it looks as though I’m the idiot once the offending car has driven off. Should I leave a note on my windscreen explaining it wasn’t my fault? T.J., Battery Point, TAS

A: This is the vehicular equivalent of using a toilet that’s been tainted by a previous user and when you walk out, someone’s waiting to go in – then you have to explain that it wasn’t you who made the mess, it was there when you arrived and you’re happy to provide DNA samples if they want to cross-check.

No one wants to be blamed for someone else’s offensive business, whether it’s a badly parked car or a badly cacked mark. And in the case of the car, I offer my sincerest apologies to you and the wider car-parking community because I’m one of those idiots responsible. I can’t park a car: I just can’t do it. If I reverse-park, I wind up with one wheel on the footpath, and one wheel on the foot of the person sitting at an outdoor cafe. If I park frontward, I wind up with a wheel on the kerb and my arse sticking out – my actual arse because I have to get out of the car to see where my hubcap rolled off to. If I park between lines, I wind up at a 30-degree angle, try to straighten up, try again, then drive home and catch public transport back to where I started.

If it makes you feel better, leave two notes: one on your windscreen stating your parking innocence and one on their windscreen stating their parking incompetence. And if you find any of their hubcaps, they’re yours to keep as a gift to say sorry.

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