Two in three people never learnt this skill that saves relationships

In Robert Waldinger’s Harvard Longitudinal study, spanning 80 years, he attempted to answer a question that has occupied humans for centuries: what makes a good life?

The answer, according to his research: “Good relationships keep us healthier and happier.”

Like physical health, social health and relationships take nurturing. Yet relationships are often overlooked when we think about looking after our health, and new research suggests that few people feel equipped with the skills to sustain good ones.

The report released today by Relationships Australia NSW (RANSW) found that only one in three people effectively learnt how to have difficult conversations when they were growing up.

This, in part, explains why about one in six Australians said they feel lonely often or very often.

“A lot of those people are actually in a relationship,” said Elisabeth Shaw, chief executive of RANSW. “They could be feeling lonely because of all the things they aren’t able to say. The stereotype of a couple out at dinner that have nothing to say to each other – it’s often that they have so much to say to each other that they dare not open their mouth.”

Instead of broaching a challenging conversation and risking conflict, they opt for less intimacy and connection.

Prue Gillespie is a perennial optimist. It has its upsides, including the belief that everything will be alright in the end. But it can also mean sweeping issues under the rug, thinking they will blow over.

“And it does, right?” says the 39-year-old senior communications specialist. “The challenge with that is that things have a cumulative effect in a relationship … just waiting for it to blow over, can actually make it blow up.”

The Brisbane-based mum of two has had to navigate “wildly difficult” conversations in the last two years, and says the ability to do so well is never taught.

It has been a steep learning curve that Gillespie feels grateful for today because it has led to deeper understanding and connection.

“Being honest and transparent, and coming from a place of love and care and peace, is really important for fostering those relationships,” she says.

But she does wonder if she had sought help to cultivate those skills, and had learnt to have challenging conversations before an issue became critical in some past relationships – including her decade-long marriage – things might have turned out differently.

“Managing difficult conversations well is critical in a good relationship,” says Dan Auerbach, clinical director of Associated Counsellors & Psychologists Sydney.

Auerbach refers to a study by relationships researcher John Gottman that followed people’s marriages for 14 years. What predicted the break-up of some couples was a loss of warmth and connection.

“They had drifted apart and stopped really talking,” says Auerbach. “So avoiding hard conversations can look peaceful, but it’s often a slower road to a break-up.”

The good news, he says, is that these conversations can be learnt. When couples can name their deeper needs for more connection, for recognition and positive regard, or for a shared vision of the future, it can draw them closer, he says.

Shaw and Auerbach share five ways we can have better conversations.

“A lot of parents are so concerned about their child or their young person feeling badly or trying to save them from any kind of negative feelings, they’re not fostering personal accountability or personal reflection.”

It means we grow up believing everything is someone else’s fault.

“The culture that we’re in at the moment around ‘grievance harvesting’ means we’re often preoccupied with the problem of the other person,” says Shaw. “It’s other people who are difficult.”

The antidote is becoming aware of what we are bringing to a difficult situation, and of anything that we could be doing differently is important.

“There’s never a right time,” says Shaw.

There is often good intent when people avoid difficult conversations – they don’t want to ruin the evening, they recognise they are both tired or stressed or busy.

“But what is a strength, which is trying to be kind and not loading your partner up at the wrong time, is also partly about avoidance,” says Shaw. “The trick is knowing when you’re doing that out of kindness and sensibleness and maturity because that’s life, and when are you actually avoiding something that’s a risk factor for the future.”

“Most couples are fighting about needs they are struggling to put into words,” says Auerbach.

For example, he says, criticism is very often loneliness in disguise. “Someone has been waiting for their partner to come home, and they are feeling a bit isolated. They don’t register it as loneliness, they register it as irritation with their partner.”

Instead of saying “I’ve missed you, can we spend some time together?” it comes out as “Why are you always on your phone?” or “Why do I have to do everything around here?”

“The need underneath it is for attention, interest and affection, but what arrives is a complaint.”

Cutting to the chase of how we feel is what Shaw refers to as finding a “soft entry point” that can create connection instead of distance.

“Say something that could be really important to you both, rather than, ‘I’ve got 55 examples of how you’re distant from me’.”

Differences are to be managed, not eradicated, says Shaw.

“At their best, couples grow together,” she says. “One tolerates more openness and the other chooses their moment a bit better. The couples that get stuck are the ones that end up in binaries – ‘it’s my way versus your way’ – but if they’re able to sort of soften that, then you often find that the content [of the conversation] is workable.”

The key is to be brave enough to talk honestly and openly, with good intention when an issue arises.

“And to do it in an accountable way, not an accusatory way, so that it is always about that balance of self-reflection and speaking up for the good of the relationship, rather than speaking up with your set of complaints,” says Shaw.

“It’s also being open to feedback because if you’re defensive and refuse to see your part in it, then it creates an immediate impasse.”

Auerbach agrees.

“The key to better communication is saying the vulnerable thing that’s hard to say. Before raising an issue, ask yourself what you’re actually feeling,” he says. “The complaint about the washing is often really ‘I feel alone in this’ or ‘I miss you’. Saying that is more vulnerable, but it’s far easier for a partner to respond to than criticism.”

And for those whose instinct is to withdraw, the equivalent step is to stay in the conversation and say “I hear your criticisms and I feel you don’t really like me any more.”

“When both people can do that, even imperfectly, the cycle starts to lose its grip,” Auerbach says. “The encouraging part is that it’s a skill – and skills can be learnt.”

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