I’m so jealous of my friend’s career, it’s making me miserable. Am I a bad person?

Each week Dr Kirstin Ferguson tackles questions about workplace, career and leadership in her advice column Got a Minute? This week: jealously within a friendship, a “male, pale and stale” accusation and feeling at a dead end.

I'm starting to resent my best friend because she's become so successful. Every time we catch up she's been promoted again, bought another investment property or booked another overseas holiday. She's never boastful, but I leave every lunch feeling like I've wasted my life. We have been friends for years, but I feel like I am always in her shadow. I’m ashamed of feeling this way, and it is beginning to depress me. How do I stop her success making me miserable?

Your friend and her success are not making you miserable. It is your need to compare her life to yours, which is the challenge. That distinction may be hard to hear, but hopefully, it also helps you realise the solution is in your control.

You are not a terrible friend or person for feeling envious of your friend’s success. Instead, it can be a flag for you to realise something you might feel is missing from your own life. If you’re seeking a promotion, what can you do to increase your chances of that happening? Are there any opportunities open you can apply for, even in an acting capacity to show your managers what you are capable of doing? Have you spoken to your boss about your desire to achieve more?

Next time you have lunch with your friend, you might even like to be vulnerable with her and let her know you are struggling. Discuss an individual goal you might have and ask for her advice on how you are best to tackle it. Your friend is likely to want to do all she can to support you and help you feel successful in your own way, whatever that might look like.

I’m a senior executive who left my most recent job after extraordinary bullying. I’ve been looking for a new role for six months. I have been shortlisted six times and have made it to the final round twice, yet I cannot land the position. In most cases, the successful candidate has been much less experienced, but also female and 10 to 15 years younger than me. One recruiter said I may be too “male, pale and stale”. How can I overcome this judgement?

For a recruiter to say that is lazy and insulting – don’t let one insulting remark become an explanation in your mind. I note that you also used a stereotype of inexperienced, young women getting the job you missed out on, so make sure you don’t fall into the same trap.

If you are getting to the final round in job interviews, it means employers are clearly seeing your value. However, just because you have more experience on paper doesn’t mean you are better suited – the employer might be seeking something quite unique.

Ask each recruiter for candid, specific feedback, not a euphemism like one you have already been given. Then ask yourself how you are staying relevant. Are you demonstrating curiosity, adaptability, digital fluency, and an inclusive leadership style in your interviews? Also, how do you explain why you left your last role? If the bullying experience makes you feel wounded, angry or preoccupied with your former employer in your answer, it would help to rethink the explanation you use.

I’m in my late 40s and work in a call centre job that feels like a dead end. Management regularly breaks promises: I have been rostered on public holidays after being told I wouldn’t be, promised cross-training that never happened and had schedules changed without notice, making me appear to breach adherence requirements. My leader also said nobody should receive a score of 100 per cent because there should “always be something to criticise”. Is it unethical to manage people through broken promises and predetermined failure?

Leaders simply destroy trust when they routinely break promises. We know situations at work change all the time, sometimes because what a leader may have thought might be possible may not happen. When this happens, your leader should explain why, make sure you understand the reasoning and work with you on how your expectations can be met in other ways.

Your manager’s view on performance assessments is also wrong. Making up a fault in someone’s performance because they happen to believe perfection is philosophically unacceptable turns performance management into an unhealthy game. Is getting 90 per cent OK? What percentage does your leader think needs to be allowed for, so there’s always something to criticise?

I’ll be honest, your boss sounds like a muppet, for sure. But please don’t let this example make you think you are at a dead end. You have choices; move teams or employers, if need be. There are better leaders out there, which you deserve.

To submit a question about work, careers or leadership, visit kirstinferguson.com/ask. You will not be asked to provide your name or any identifying information. Letters may be edited.

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